January 11, 2023

Change Softer

As we start another year it is customary to be thinking about what the year will bring. Some people love to make resolutions toward their goals and others find resolutions stressful and oppressive. I’ve met people with 5, 10, and 20-year goals on complicated spreadsheets with charts and graphs, and those who cringe at words like change, grow, or resolutions, as well as everyone in between. Wherever you land on that spectrum, we all want good things to happen in our lives. I am in the camp of loving resolutions; maybe because I’ve learned from habit experts and through training, not to feel trapped by them. Have you heard of James Clear? If not, I’m happy to introduce him to those of you who use goal-setting. James has a high-value newsletter around habits and goals and has also written the bestselling book “Atomic Habits”. I’m so inspired by his work and the concept of being just 1% better. It’s easy to put a lot of pressure on ourselves and push hard to get to where we want to go. It is essentially the American way to bulldoze through problems. We “pull up our bootstraps”, “cowboy up”, “get it done”, “just do it”, and beat ourselves up in the process. But James has found it’s actually more productive to be working on a smaller scale toward the change we want to make. This knowledge to me is like a warm bath and makes me take a big deep breath in. Can this be true? We can go gently toward our goals and feel good about it? According to James and tons of research on habits and change, it’s really the small changes regularly that make a big overall impact on our lives. He reframes the concept of big change into small bite-size steps that aren’t so hard after all. So whatever you’re working on (or only secretly working toward) in the New Year, think about how you can be 1% better in the near future as your goal. When you achieve that one, you pick the next 1% goal. Like the tortoise, you and I will stroll our way to great success with this method. I would also highly recommend surrounding yourself with motivating information, people, and environments that support your goals. One way I stay motivated is through information. When I get James’ newsletter every week, it reminds me why I’m on the journey to a better me. Cheers to you this year! May it be a year that gets you closer to the life and goals you have in mind and heart and the healing you need.

Go gently toward your goals,

-Jenée

A colleague of mine shared this poem with me and I found it inspiring and refreshing.

A Morning Offering

By: John O’Donohue

I bless the night that nourished my heart

To set the ghosts of longing free

Into the flow and figure of dream

That went to harvest from the dark

Bread for the hunger no one sees.

All that is eternal in me

Welcomes the wonder of this day,

The field of brightness it creates

Offering time for each thing

To arise and illuminate.

I place on the altar of dawn:

The quiet loyalty of breath,

The tent of thought where I shelter,

Waves of desire I am shore to

And all beauty drawn to the eye.

May my mind come alive today

To the invisible geography

That invites me to new frontiers,

To break the dead shell of yesterdays,

To risk being disturbed and changed.

May I have the courage today

To live the life that I would love,

To postpone my dream no longer

But do at last what I came here for

And waste my heart on fear no more.

Janurary 18th, 2023

Anxiety Meditation

January 25th, 2023

Self-Compassion

In the world of therapy, Kristen Neff is a household name when it comes to learning self-compassion. 

Here's a little bit about her work on self-compassion below:

"One of the biggest blocks to practicing self-compassion is the belief that it will undermine our motivation.  People think that if they're kind to themselves, they'll become lazy, irresponsible, and complacent. The opposite is true.

Tender self-compassion allows us to accept ourselves unconditionally, while fierce self-compassion spurs us to take action to change behaviors or situations that cause suffering. This means that instead of taking it personally when we fail, we remember that failure is human, and we try to learn from our mistakes.

Research shows that self-compassionate people have less performance anxiety, more self-confidence, and less fear of failure.  They're more willing to take risks, have a growth orientation, and value learning over self-image.  They persist longer in their efforts and are more likely to keep trying after setbacks. And they're more likely to take personal responsibility for harm done and make amends.

With self-compassion, we try to reach our goals or make changes not because we're inadequate as we are, but because we care about ourselves and want to be happy. We give ourselves the same type of warmth, encouragement, support, and wisdom that a good parent, friend, mentor, or coach might show. 

We don't sugar-coat the truth, because that doesn't help.  We offer constructive criticism that's informative rather than harsh criticism that's shaming.  And it's much easier to hear!"

Attached is a survey to get you thinking about your self-compassion. I have also included a 7-minute practice from Kristen Neff called the "Motivating Self-Compassion Break" that can help motivate you to make a change or reach a goal that's important to you.

Feburary 1st, 2023

This week I came across an inspiring story of how a community in Zimbabwe created their own mental health support system. 

It's such a good reminder of our agency to create a community around us to support one another.  

February 8th, 2023

Blanketed in Relaxation Meditation

February 15th, 2023

The Physiological Sigh

I want to introduce you to an actionable method for reducing stress at the moment.  

If you find yourself in your cycle with your partner and you're about to press the panic button, or you are working on reducing anxiety and stress, this is for you. 

To reduce our biological response to stress we have to first: 

1. Notice when things are building toward this response. The earlier you catch yourself and your nervous system building toward a stress response the less intense and reactive this response can become with practice. Examples of this build-up could be your heart racing, your breath speeding up, the voice going up an octave and/or starts sounding sharper, speech becoming more rapid or mute, and you start to feel like you're losing control.

2. Once you notice you are heading toward anxiety/panic/fight/flight/freeze/fawn responses, SLOW DOWN. This is the place to insert the physiological sigh. Two breaths in one after the other, then a slow longer exhale. So, one long breath through the nose, then a little more on a second breath in, then slowly exhale. Research shows even three of these breath sequences can dramatically slow the nervous system and calm things down quickly. 

This way of breathing was discovered as researchers watched how people breathed during sleep. You can also witness this in children who are sobbing, it's a natural physiological response to reset the nervous system. 

If you're interested in more on the science of the physiological sigh, watch this 5 min video by Andrew Huberman, renowned Opthomologist and Neurology professor at Stanford University. He talks about the science behind why this works and how and also does a little demonstration. 

So when in crisis, just breathe!

February 14th, 2023

Valentines’ Day, Yay or Nay?

Whether you celebrate or not, it's always a good idea to have some good ideas about loving your partner, friends/family purposefully. 

Who doesn’t want a song dedicated to them? I confess I used to fantasize about this in my youth!

Here's a link to a fun interview about popular love playlists and songs on Spotify. Turns out that 70% of music is written about relationships - they matter.  

The great thing about poets and singers is they can find the words for us. 

Consider dedicating a song to your partner, a loved one, a friend, or anyone who needs a boost.

My husband and I have a fun ‘Themesong Tuesday’ tradition and it definitely helps to fill the love bucket, we haven’t run out of songs yet! 

Another bonus, it's completely free.

February 22nd, 2023

You’re doing a good job!

Some days feel like good ones for making strides and advancing in life. 

Others, we need to stop and smell the roses and spend some time in gratitude loving what is already present. 

It's important to take time on these growth journeys to appreciate and honor the YOU of today, as you are. 

Meditate on this for a few minutes today: 

You are loveable today.

You are worthy today.

You are acceptable today.

You are good enough today. 

Here's a song dedicated to you today.

You matter!

March 1st, 2023

Check Your Thinking - CBT

Did you know that thoughts, behavior, and feelings are all interconnected?

This means that they all inform one another. Mostly, this is an unconscious process until we put the spotlight on it. 

So if I’m thinking “I am not good enough”. This will inform my feelings about myself and I may feel sad or ashamed.

This in turn will inform my behavior and I may withdraw as a result of the unsafe and painful thoughts and feelings. 

This process is multidirectional, meaning any one of these, thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, can inform and impact the others.  

It works like this

Why is this important? This is good news because understanding this process gives us agency to have more control over our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This is the whole basis of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) and is particularly helpful in treating mood disorders like depression and anxiety. 

How can I use this to help myself feel better? It’s important to learn about distorted thinking as a mechanism to modify feelings and behaviors. We all have ways of thinking that seem true and accurate to us, but in reality, our way of thinking, at times, could be distorted, misleading, and false. Knowing the various forms of twisted thinking can be a game changer in understanding what’s impacting your mood. Once you learn about distorted thinking it helps you to update your thinking with better accuracy and this naturally impacts your feelings and behaviors. Cue a big sigh.

Ready to learn about Distorted Thinking?

10 Common Cognitive Distortions

1. All-or-Nothing Thinking: You look at things in absolute, black-and-white categories.

E.g. I ate a dessert so I might as well eat a whole pizza too - I completely failed this diet. 

2. Overgeneralization: You view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

E.g. I got a speeding ticket today, nothing goes right in my life ever!

3. Mental Filter: You dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives. 

E.g. I got one C and five A’s, I’m a horrible student. 

4. Discounting the Positives: You insist that your accomplishments or positive qualities “don’t count”.

E.g. Often this happens when given a compliment. “You’re such a good cook!” “Well, this is the easiest recipe in the world, I didn’t do much, anyone could do this”. 

P.S. Just say “thank you” next time.

5. Jumping to Conclusions: (A) Mind reading - you assume that people are reacting negatively to you when there’s no definite evidence.

(B) Fortune-Telling - you arbitrarily predict that things will turn out badly.  

E.g. (A) No one is talking to me at this party, I don’t think they really want me here. 

E.g. (B) I know that I’m going to fail this test tomorrow. Then I’ll never get the job I want and I won’t be successful.

6. Magnification or Minimization: You blow things way up out of proportion or you shrink their importance inappropriately.

E.g. I’m 40 mins late, but it’s not a big deal. (Minimization)

E.g. She’s 5 mins late, how can she be so disrespectful of my time? (Magnification)

7. Emotional Reasoning: You reason from how you feel: 

E.g. “I feel like an idiot so I must really be one”.

8. Should Statements: You criticize yourself or other people with “shoulds” or “should-not’s”. Musts, “oughts”, and “have to” are similar offenders. 

E.g. I should eat better, work out more, give more money to______, give more time to ______

9. Labeling: You identify with your shortcomings and label yourself or others.  

E.g. instead of saying “I made a mistake,” you tell yourself “I’m a jerk,” “a fool,” or “a loser.”

10. Personalization and Blame: You blame yourself for something you weren’t entirely responsible for, or you blame other people and overlook ways that your own attitudes and behavior might contribute to a problem. 

E.g. He says I never listen, he’s right, I’m the absolute worst, why is he even with me?

E.g. He says I never listen, and he’s always blaming me for everything, he’s the one…

With any changes, you want to make it’s always helpful to track the process.

What gets measured gets managed.

Optional Homework

1. Notice: Track your thoughts for a week or more. See what types of distorted thinking you tend to use. 

2. Don’t Judge: Don’t beat yourself up while you’re noticing your patterns. These are all human nature and part of our survival mechanisms. We want to notice them so we can make

adjustments to serve our lives better, not to find faults and feel bad. 

*Stay tuned for part two of this tutorial - how to untwist your thinking. 

March 8th, 2023

Untwist Your Thinking - CBT Part 2

Last week we talked about the common thought distortions and starting to recognize them.

This week, we can start using the following to untwist our twisty thinking and as a result, we start to feel better.

Untwist Your Thinking

1. Identify the Thought Distortion: write down your negative thoughts so you can see which of the then cognitive distortions you’re involved in. This will make it easier to think about the problem in a more positive and realistic way.

2. Examine the Evidence: instead of assuming that your negative thought is true, examine the actual evidence for it. For example, if you feel that you never do anything right, you could list several things you have done successfully.

3. The Double-Standard Method: Instead of putting yourself down in a harsh, condemning way, talk to yourself in the same compassionate way you would talk to a friend with a similar problem.

4. The Experimental Technique: Do an experiment to test the validity of your negative thought. For example, if, during an episode of panic, you become terrified that you’re about to die of a heart attack, you could job or run up and down several flights of stairs. This will prove that your heart is healthy and strong.

5. Thinking in Shades of Gray: Although this method might sound drab, the effects can be illuminating. Instead of thinking of a range of 0-100. When things don’t work out as well as you hoped, think about the experience as a partial success rather than a complete failure. See what you can learn from the situation.

6. The Survey Method: Ask people questions to find out if your thoughts and attitudes are realistic. For example, if you believe that public speaking anxiety is abnormal and shameful, ask several friends if they ever felt nervous before they gave a talk.

7. Define Terms: When you label yourself “inferior” “a fool” or “a loser” ask, “What is the definition of a fool’? You will feel better when you see that there is no such thing as “a fool” or “a loser”.

8. The Semantic Method: Simply substitute language that is less colorful and emotionally loaded. This method is helpful for “should statements.” Instead of telling yourself “I shouldn’t have made that mistake,” you can say, “It would be better if I hadn’t made that mistake.

9. Re-attribution: Instead of automatically assuming that you are “bad” and blaming yourself entirely for a problem, think about the many factors that may have contributed to it, Focus on solving the problem instead of using up all your energy blaming yourself and feeling guilty.

10. Cost-BenefitAnalysis: List the advantages and disadvantages of a feeling (like getting angry when your plane is late), or a negative thought (like “No matter how hard I try, I always screw up”, when you’re depressed). You can also use the Cost-Benefit Analysis to modify a self-defeating belief such as, “I must always try to be perfect.”

For more on CBT, you can get “The Feeling Good Handbook” for at-home use. It’s a psychoeducational workbook that will help you continue on this thoughtful journey.